After The Sale Insecurities

Have you ever imagined creating something, convinced your rendition of it will be something almost magical—the best it can be? Maybe you’re an artist and envision creating something only you could design. Or a really great cook with recipe ideas others will salivate over. Or a teacher who’s come up with innovative ways to teach something others have taught for centuries.

If you’re a writer, or someone who dreams of being a professional writer someday, you’ve probably envisioned a book that only YOU could write. If someone in the industry would just believe in this idea the way you do, you could get lost in the research, the characters, the setting and everyone who took a glimpse at the story would immediately be caught up in it, too.

Excitement and passion are important ingredients for an author. It’s contagious. It’s one of the reasons agents can get excited about bringing a project to an editor, and what makes an editor excited about bringing a project to the infamous “committee” for approval before a contract is offered. It’s what sales reps and booksellers love to see about a project. Excitement and passion.

And you, as the author, are the one with the first glimpse. The first taste. You’re convinced this is a story everyone will get excited about.

That’s how I feel whenever I send off a proposal. Every time, without fail, I have this passion stirring inside that makes me believe this next book will be my best.

And then the dream comes true — at least, the first part of it. The sale.

Good news, you think. You’ve sold someone on your idea! Someone in the business! But the fact is, at least for me, inspiring this passion and excitement in someone else only makes me humble. I’m glad they’ve caught the vision, but then the doubts start. What if I’m wrong? What if I can’t create the book I’ve been dreaming of? What kind of fraud am I, anyway, to tell people I can do something before I’ve done it? Am I crazy?

And so the doubts come. It happens every time. Realizing this is part of my pattern has helped immensely. Realizing other authors have this feeling also helps. After signing the contract and in the midst of my insecurities, I sent notes to two writer friends of mine, Siri Mitchell and Ruth Axtell Morren. Here were their responses:

From Siri:
It seems we’re soul sisters. I feel EXACTLY as you do about contracts (why did I ever tell them I could write that?!). I’m bedeviled with insecurities too…trying to bat them away this week and just keep on writing.

And from Ruth:

I know that feeling of insecurity… I’m now in that weird phase of completing about a 1/4 of my present manuscript and not feeling any of it is much good, but just continuing to plod along with my notes and story ideas, knowing I just have to trust to instinct at this point and get the first draft done. Time enough then for improvements–weeding out the bad stuff, layering–later.

At least I’m in good company.

Insecurity is part of my writing pattern. I started with the vision, the excitement, the confidence, followed by a plummet that’s set off by something many wouldn’t expect – the sale! But the pattern continues and other challenges—and joys—are part of it too as I dig into actually getting into the process of writing, as you’ll see in the coming days.